BULLIES BEWARE!

Kids are looking forward to a long summer filled with fun and adventure. Most parents, however, still have to work, which means their children will have a lot more free time on their hands. Whether kids are at summer camps, babysitters, or home with siblings, there tends to be less supervision which can be concerning in regards to the potential for bully behavior. It’s never a fun subject, but one that needs to be addressed at least a few times a year.


First, we need to know what bullying is. It’s not always clearly defined. Dan Olweus, Professor of Psychology and leading world authority on problems of bullying and victimization, defines bullying in the following way. "A person is bullied when he or she is exposed, repeatedly and over time, to negative actions on the part of one or more other persons, and he or she has difficulty defending himself or herself."


Direct bullying is the easiest to detect. It includes hitting, kicking, shoving,
name-calling, and using threatening or obscene gestures. Indirect bullying is much more surreptitious. Often bullies will get someone else to do the bullying for them. Rumor spreading, ostracizing, and
Cyber-bullying (using email, social media sites, and text messaging) can be particularly difficult for adults to detect. It helps to become “friends” with your children on their social media sites and peruse their phones for unwanted or inappropriate communications. It’s also a good idea to retrieve all electronic devices before bedtime. It may thwart a cyber-bully’s attempts and will undeniably lead to a better night’s sleep.


Like most things in life, signs of bullying and the roles people play are rarely clear-cut and when kids are involved in bullying, they often play more than one role. Kids can bully others, they can be bullied, or they may witness bullying. However a child is involved, it’s imperative that he/she speak to a supervising adult. If that adult doesn’t intervene, the child should find another grownup and keep telling until the bullying stops. Ideally, adults at camps or at home will give comfort, support, and advice even if they can’t solve the problem directly or immediately.


You may not be with your children during the day, but you can still help prevent bullying. Checking in often with camp counselors or other adult supervisors is a good place to start. Also, talking with your kids and asking about friends or any concerns are proactive and preventative measures. If your child seems reluctant to open up to you, ask another responsible person that you, as a parent, trust to start the dialogue.


Most bullying happens when adults aren’t around; therefore, children need to know how to stand up for themselves. Advise your kids to look at the kid bullying and tell him or her assertively to stop in a calm, clear voice. If speaking up seems too hard or not safe, the best thing for anyone being victimized to do is to walk away and stay away.


There is no silver bullet to eradicate bullying but we can reduce existing bullying problems, prevent the development of new bullying, and foster better relationships at school, at home, and in summer camps by being well informed and involved.


For more information on the Olweus Bullying Prevention Programs, visit, www.violencepreventionworks.org.

Other resources include: www.nobully.org, and www.stopbullying.gov.

Contact Margaret Lavin at www.elementarydays@gmail.com 

WHERE THE KIDS ARE, KEEPING UP WITH SOCIAL NETWORKS

We should by now all be familiar with Facebook and Twitter and have hopefully ‘befriended’ our online, socially active children in order to monitor their engagements with cyber-friends. However, tweens and teens are very socially savvy and shrewd at keeping their private lives private, even if it is to their own detriment.

New social networks are popping up all over the Internet and many parents may not be aware of their children’s cyber connections and the implications of inappropriate interactions. With Internet bullying, cyber stalking and cyber-torture, it is very necessary to educate ourselves in the latest cyber-sites that can open doors to cyber abuse. As an old-school mom, I’m still telling my child not to talk to strangers but this sage advice does not transfer to the obscure regions of the cyber-world. Here are just a few of the sites you may want to check out and talk with your kids about.

Instagram is a popular photo-sharing site owned by Facebook.  Users can create collages of their photos and share them across Facebook and other social media platforms. It may be slightly tamer than Tumblr, but users can still find inappropriate content and comments throughout the app.

Tumblr’s real appeal is its social network capability. It is teeming with teenagers, or those posing as teenagers, liking one another's posts, commenting back and forth and responding to questions – often from strangers. Tumblr can be funny or helpful, but posts are also uncensored and often pornographic.  

Ask.fm is a site where you sign up with a basic profile and picture and then answer questions posed to you by other users, both friends and strangers. While, "Are you a cat or a dog person?" is a common thread, darker and more sexual questions show up as well. Ask.fm has been in the news lately after harassed members committed suicide.  

Snapchat has also been in the news lately following reports of an alarming number of young people using the app for ‘sexting’ and bullying. Basically, the app makes it simple to share pictures and video clips for ten seconds and then the content disappears. However, it is possible to make a screenshot of a picture while it is displayed on the screen and so any pictures can become publicly available online at anytime. 

Shots of Me, an app that Justin Bieber is highly invested, has a direct-messaging feature where users can only send private messages to one another. This is in hopes of stopping cyberbullying. However, teens and anyone else can still be cruel in a private message. The app also shows user’s location unless that feature is managed in the app’s settings.

Tinder's developers describe the app as a “fun way to connect with new and interesting people around you." But it's mainly used to find dates and “hook ups”. In a nutshell, Tinder helps people find others in their geographic location. Users view each other’s photos and start instant messaging once both people have "liked" one another. Tinder's privacy policy allows teens as young as 13 to register.

There are ways to block social networks and software available to spy on your kids online, but I think the best way to stay connected – cyber or otherwise – with your children is to have some good old fashion face-to-face conversations. Then, as President Reagan famously said, “trust, but verify.”

Contact Margaret Lavin at elementarydays@gmail.com.

THE BEST OF THE BIRDS AND BEES

Spring is in the air, Mother’s Day is around the corner and many tweens and teens are curious about how moms become moms. Thankfully, schools across the country are very busy doling out bird and bee edification. While I’m mighty grateful I do not have to instruct these pubescent young adults on the more intimate aspects of family life, I am very aware of the necessity.

Most parents are. A survey of California parents conducted by the Public Health Institute found that 89% of California parents – including 86% of evangelical Christians and 71% of people who self-identify as “very conservative” – support sex education that includes instruction about both abstinence and contraception. This support is consistent across racial and ethnic groups.

If you are part of this 89% then you will want to become familiar with BACHE (Bay Area Communities for Health Education). They have released an online “Parent Toolkit” that includes 9 steps necessary to get comprehensive sex-education implemented in your child’s school. The toolkit is available on BACHE’s website at http://bacheinfo.org/Toolkit.

The information is enlightening and empowering. For example, California law prohibits abstinence-only sex education in public schools. In spite of this, there are many school districts in the Bay Area that are not complying. Also, sex education in public schools must be science-based, medically sound, free of bias and age-appropriate. As a parent, you have the right to review all school materials relating to sex education, including any books, pamphlets and other teaching aids used during instruction.

A comprehensive sex ed course should assist in formulating healthier relationships and healthier decisions. If done properly, it should include curriculum that incorporates decision-making skills, information about condoms and contraception, and details about the benefits of delaying sexual activity. All that being said, the best advice still comes from mom and dad.

According to a series of national surveys commissioned and released by The National Campaign to Prevent Teen and Unplanned Pregnancy, teens continue to say that parents have the most influence on their decisions about sex. The bottom line is, kids will learn about sex whether or not you want them to, so you may want to begin asking them what they think and what they already know and clear up any misconceptions.

Kids need as much help in understanding the meaning and implications of sex as they do in understanding how all the body parts work. And don’t worry, research clearly shows that talking with your children about sex does not encourage them to become sexually active.

Being a parent can be the most demanding job in the world, and is the most important. I think professor and educational author Dr. Elizabeth Stone says it precisely right. “Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body.”

Contact Margaret Lavin at elementarydays@gmail.com.

KEEP THE DOOR OPEN AT SCHOOL AND AT HOME

I demanded my five-year-old stop pouting and tell me what was the matter. With a high pitched “humph!” and her small arms akimbo, she purposefully rolled her eyes to the ceiling. She continued rolling until her unhappy baby blues landed on the wall opposite her loving mother. Are the doors of communication already shutting? How is that eye rolling going to manifest itself in ten years?

As a parent, I’m often clueless at attempting to understand my preschooler. However, as a teacher, I have many tricks up my sleeve to get students to open up. Since there is a direct correlation between well-developed communication skills and academic achievement, I’m hoping some of my professional strategies will eventually make their way home.

Teaching involves showing and telling and so does effective communicating. Role modeling how to inquire, interpret and connect socially will enable young adults to mimic your actions until they acquire the skills themselves. In other words, they can fake it until they make it!

Be an active listener and thoughtful speaker. Make sure your body language conveys to them that you are interested and listening. You can make eye contact with them, turn your body toward them, and nod as they are talking to let them know you are listening. Let them know that their message is important.

A clean, safe and academically stimulating environment is best for learning and conversing. Providing a comfortable atmosphere for discussions will lessen stress and anxiety levels. Reduce any distractions that will keep you from focusing.  Try to stop whatever you are doing that may distract you from listening, such as watching television or cleaning while your child is talking to you. If you can’t immediately drop what you’re doing, ask if another time can be set up when you are better able to listen.

A well-rounded teacher focuses on both the academics and social success of her students. If she is unclear whether her message was received, she often asks follow up questions. When talking with your child, listen for the feelings behind the content that your son or daughter is trying to convey. Are they embarrassed, frightened, happy, anxious, proud? You may want to ask some clarifying questions, like:

*How important is that to you?

*What is the purpose behind the action?

*How do you feel other people feel about that?

*What might be the consequences of your choice?

*How can I help you do something about that?

Positive feedback is a teacher’s optimum tool to pump up discouraged students. On every potential occasion, give praise. Pay attention to the little things by admiring their fashion sense, hairstyle, and proper manners. Mother Teresa taught that, “Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.”

I have honed my communication skills as a teacher for over a decade, mainly focusing on eighth graders. As a result, I have faith in my ability to continue to build a strong connection with my daughter. After all, the behavior of thirteen year olds and five year olds can be eerily similar.

SUMMER DREAMING

All this cold, wet weather makes it easy to forget that summer is just a few short months away. Kids, however, have begun conjuring up thoughts of sleeping in, staying up late and enjoying a two-month homework reprieve. While it is tempting to ponder warm weather and sunshine, working parent’s reveries come to a screeching halt when we ask ourselves, “Once school is out, what are am I going to do with the kids?”

Thank goodness there is an abundance of summer camps in the Bay Area that offer programs for kids of all ages and interests and family budgets of all sizes. There are academic camps offering lessons in biology, astronomy and journalism and art camps that focus on photography, music, and theater. There are also sports camps for children of all abilities and religious camps for just about every religion and denomination. Sign ups have already begun.

When deciding, there are a few questions you may want to keep in mind: How much can you afford? Do the hours and weeks available coincide with your schedule? What kind of activities will your child enjoy?

Before you make your final decision, consider visiting the camp, meeting the camp director and talking to other families who have attended.

The YMCA, www.ymca.net, runs the largest network of summer camps for kids in the country, offering classes in music, art, theater, swimming, computer skills, and more. They are usually reasonably priced and many offer some form of camp scholarship based on income.

Some camps can really drain the old pocket book, but Aim High Academy, www.aimhigh.org is not one. In fact, it’s free! Aim High provides academic classes for middle schoolers with activities and events that create opportunities for leadership development and community exploration. Locations include San Francisco, Oakland, Redwood City and East Palo Alto.

Kidizens, http://kidizenspaloalto.com in Palo Alto uses LEGOS to teach real-life strategies and civics in a social learning environment. This summer they are hosting the  “Young Mayors” camp. Students will be serving as mayors for the LEGO cities that they construct. Their city will be filled with LEGO people, each with their own opinions and needs. As the city grows, the ‘mayors’ must respond to both their citizens and events. The real mayor of Palo Alto, Sid Espinosa, will also visit. Their two-week sessions start June 20^th.

Galileo Learning, http://www.galileo-learning.com operates at campuses throughout the Bay Area, including Atherton, Belmont, Burlingame, and Hillsborough. They offer hands-on art, science and outdoor activities.

Summer camps and summer school programs are a valuable intervention for academic and social enrichment and an invaluable resource for working parents. To explore more options online, go to, www.bayareakidfun.com, and click on ‘summer camps.’ Your community center or child’s school should also have information on summer programs, financial aid, as well as sign up forms, dates and times. Just ask. Happy camp hunting!

For more of Margaret’s columns, go to http://www.mercurynews.com/elementary-my-dears. She can also be reached at elementarydays@gmail.com.

FRUGAL FIELD TRIPS

FRUGAL FIELD TRIPS

School field trips are an important component of children’s education because they offer learning in a real-world setting. Unfortunately, many schools are being forced to eliminate field trips due to budget constraints. The good news is there are plenty of educational excursions within walking distance that can be a valuable learning experience for free or little money. And, with the weather getting nicer, it's time to get some fresh air, exercise, and edification!

The schoolyard – Gather a group of energetic explorers and investigate the playground, soccer field, local park and beyond. Make it a ‘green’ tour by asking participants to pick up pieces of plastic or other litter. Point out the changing leaves, wildlife, and structural designs of churches and school. Be sure to greet any neighbors, the postman or construction workers. This can easily be extended into a writing assignment by composing letters to a local government agency or the media asking for cleaner streets, commenting on road construction, damaged sidewalks or buildings in need of repair.

The Fire Department - Firefighters are especially generous with their time and often give tours of their stations. Kids can see where these local heroes eat, sleep, and also inspect the fire trucks. Ask, in advance, if one of the firemen would teach the kids about fire safety tips such as “stop, drop and roll.” Extend the lesson to include designing an emergency exit plan for school and home. Follow up with a fire drill and thank you notes to the firehouse.

The library - There are many ways to take advantage of this invaluable resource. Contact the local librarian who will be happy to schedule a story time activity or give a lecture on the many library services. Conduct your own library scavenger hunt, searching for Newbery or Caldecott award winning books. Ask students to find books of the same genre or to participate in an author study. Consider sending home library card applications before hand so kids without a card can receive one during their visit.

The grocery store – Create healthy eating habits by inspecting a grocery store or local farmer’s market. Make lots and lots of lists. Make a list of healthy choices by scanning the isles for foods on the Food Pyramid. Make a list of ethnic foods. Compare the nutritional components and price range among a variety of brands of similar items. Prepare a family meal and search for best offers and ‘deals.’ For a real challenge, have a pre-determined budget.

A nursing home – Visiting the elderly is ideal during Halloween or Christmas. Residents will be delighted to see cute costumes, and kids will enjoy singing songs, sharing homemade cards, decorations and cookies. Once you’ve decided on an assisted living facility, make an appointment with the director to plan a visit and tour the facility ahead of time. Follow up with notes to the residents and encourage ongoing relationships by establishing pen pals.

Record all of these experiences in a field trip log that includes the date of the field trip, place visited, what was accomplished and what adventure should be next.

These trips are by no means exclusive to the classroom. Parents can easily turn these field trips into family outings, discovering and exploring together.

Happy field trip hunting!

Contact Margaret Lavin at elementarydays@gmail.com.

HALLOWEEN FACTS AND FICTION

Soon ghost and goblins will be playing tricks and eating treats, prancing down neighborhood streets and causing chaotic fun with family and friends. However, parents may have some apprehension about letting their little witches and warlocks roam the night because of the continual retelling of myths and urban legends surrounding Halloween.

Reports of razor blades hidden in apples and candy have been haunting parents for decades. These ridiculous and malicious rumors have caused many people to ban trick-or-treating and stop handing out candy treats altogether. The sad fact is the only cases of tampered-candy killing children on Halloween were of relatives poisoning family members on purpose.

I remember my own mom dumping our pillowcases of candy on the kitchen floor, putting on her gardening gloves and meticulously fanning the loot across the tile. She knelt over mini candy bars and popcorn balls, searching for evidence of tampered treats. Inevitably she threw out two or three pieces. I suspect now it was to assure herself that her efforts were not in vain.

Another common and misguided belief is that excess consumption of sugar-laden candy will make kids hyperactive. We can all agree that devouring mounds of sugar is not good for any of us. Candy is nothing but empty calories and eating too much can lead to bad eating habits, dental cavities and health issues. However, after countless studies, the American Medical Association has found that sugar in the diet does not affect children’s behavior. Most likely it’s not the sweets but the situation that causes kids to throw caution and parental imperatives to the wind. 

While the sadistic tales of evil people poisoning our sugar-crazed kids are false, there are some real dangers that can easily be avoided.

We should be concerned about motor vehicle accidents. Roughly four times as many children aged 5-14 are killed while walking on Halloween evening compared with other evenings of the year.

Make sure drivers can see your child and vice versa. Give kids flashlights and glow sticks. Also, use makeup rather than masks so children have a clear, unobstructed view of their surroundings. Young trick-or-treaters should be accompanied by an adult and all should know to only cross at the crosswalks and stay on the sidewalk.

Nearly 6 million or 8% of children have food allergies. To be safe, hand out treats that are free of dairy, wheat and eggs - the most common food allergens. Some options include: Smarties, gum, mints, hard candy or jellybeans. Consider handing out trinkets such as stickers, pencils or coins. Enforce a ‘no eating while trick-or-treating’ policy and pass on candy and treats that do not have ingredients labeled.

To avoid eye injuries, cuts and bruises, use costume knives and swords that are flexible, not rigid or sharp and make sure children can walk comfortably in their costume.

 

Don’t worry about unknown or unfounded dangers. Instead, eat, drink and be scary tonight, while taking a few precautions to protect your children from the easily averted hazards.

           

Contact Margaret Lavin at elementarydays@gmail.com.